Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
