I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
