"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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