dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
