I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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