so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
