remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
