How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
