I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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