I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Pants are for mortals
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
