Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize