i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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