Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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