Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Less talking, more tequila
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
