I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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