mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You may now shotgun with the bride
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
