In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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