Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
