dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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