Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I want a musical about memes.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
