Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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