I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
