I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so that wasnt chicken after all
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
