from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
