New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
