I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
