ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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