I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
