Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
