life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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