There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
