My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize