Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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