We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
