So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
