that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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