I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
