there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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