i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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