I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
