Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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