Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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