Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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