How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
