Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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