apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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