Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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