I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
