she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
