Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
