I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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