Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
