so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
