when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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