I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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