Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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