i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just google imaged poop.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
