I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so let's talk penis.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
