My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
