My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
