So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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