Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
