Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
