I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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