"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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